Heroes, Partners, Comedians

It had to happen. There was no way a Batman franchise could keep going and have every director that came along approach it seriously. Someone was bound to come along that could only see Batman as the campy, cartoony, parody the TV show was. Clearly that someone is Joel Schumacher. Joel will be the first to have the vision to look backwards.

Packed with zippy one-liners in lieu of a script that wasn't made up as they went along, you have to wonder why "who plays Batman" is such a controversy. Any comedian would do fine if this is the direction we're going to go. Who will it be in episode 5? George Carlin? Sinbad? Paula Poundstone? Louie Anderson? If the point is to get yucks instead of establish any dramatic suspense, let's go with the pros.

The movie looks good. I mean, if you're looking for a commercial for the inevitable merchandise, it looks good. I know I'll be the first on my block to own the Freezemobile that shoots real darts! Anyone got the patent for the Poison Ivy Chia Kit yet? Even the look of the movie was a throwback to the 60's... plenty of psychedelia... enough to make me think my Twizzlers were laced with acid. And what the hell was that fluorescent street gang? How limiting. You can only rob places that happen to have black light?

Yes, this one was all about the hardware, as evidenced when at the beginning of the movie, it took 10 minutes for the presentation of B&R's vehicles. Thank God firetrucks don't go through all that, we'd burn to the ground. And those of you who live in Manhattan, could you explain to me of what use a car that can go 5000mph would be in the city? Stoplights, pedestrians, turns... wouldn't any of these things slow you down to about 40?

I know I'm being picky, but a movie has got to be a little believable...just a little. Alfred happens to have the same disease as Freeze's wife? Batgirl happens to be able to figure out the password to the CD (and just how was Alfred's brother supposed to do that when he got it?) Alfred just happens to know she'll read the CD and makes her a Batsuit and preprograms himself into the computer?? Nevermind Batman's years of training... Batgirl puts on the suit and the first night out happens to know how to use all the equipment and fight as well as Batman and Robin?? And worst of all... Mr. Freeze happens to carry around the cure to the disease in his costume at all times??! You can almost hear them on the set saying, "Uhhh, how can we wrap this up real quick?"

As far as the actors... George Clooney is Dr. Ross, but can carry off the few clever lines such as "Why are all the gorgeous girls homicidal maniacs... is it me?" Chris O'Donnell is a great Robin. Alicia Silverstone needs to be hosting the beach party on MTV. Arnold is the Terminator... again. And Uma... ah, Uma. You're the reason I'll rent the video and see this thing again. What in the world makes you think you'd need pheromone gas to turn men on?

The last line in the movie sums it up as Alfred says, "Looks like we're going to need a bigger batcave." If there'll be room for a screenwriter in the next installment, that'd be the best use of space yet.

mike@smug.com

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