New Thrill Activity Emerging In Montana

While many people enjoy the adrenaline rush of bungee jumping, downhill skiing and para-gliding, I recently discovered that rolling your automobile 6 or 7 times down a roadside embankment can produce a similar exhilaration and notoriety.

I'm not a professional driver (I don't even play one on TV), but after one very successful roll, I do have some tips that will make your first roll more exciting for both yourself and those who see you wreck. (Note: your mileage may vary.)

As with any activity, a little planning can add much to your experience, and choosing the right vehicle is the place to start. Any light weight vehicle with an extremely small wheel base should work; I chose a Suzuki Samurai for it's soft top and easy, vertical rotation. Remember, you don't want to work too hard just to get it started rolling.

Give some thought to what you'll have in the car with you. I found things like 30 weight motor oil, snow chains and tire irons were good for producing great sound effects while allowing for those airborne squirt trails that look so cool in all the Stallone flicks.

Also -- don't forget to include things for audience participation at the end of the crash. In my case, a friend's copy of the "Celestine Prophesy" served as a conversation piece for those standing around the scene; after the car had settled, and the book was discovered, discussion immediately erupted regarding the validity of the author's viewpoint -- even branching to other authors in the same genre. If I had it to do over again, however, I would provide a bipolar setting by including something like Rush Limbaugh's "The Way Things Ought To Be" strewn next to Hillary Clinton's "It Takes A Village," thus potentially stimulating an even more vigorous discussion.

Picking the right location is also critical. The road I chose had a 2 ft. descending, dirt shoulder -- perfect for sliding -- with a local golf course community built at the bottom of a 100 ft. embankment. This allowed me to easily execute the sixth and seventh rolls, while leaving the car upside down within easy reach of the roadside audience -- both on foot and in golf carts. Being so close to home, several videographers were able to retrieve their equipment in time to film before the area was obscured by the meandering emergency medical and police personnel. This is important if you want your wreck to be on the evening news. (Be sure to wear clean underwear.)

Pick a site with small trees planted along the bank; they'll poke through the windows, helping to dislodge any debris trapped between your ankle and forehead.

Timing is also important; give people enough time to get home from work and consume a few adult beverages. This promotes more interesting questions and comments from those sideline participants not preoccupied with their Handycams.

Don't forget to plan your "official" story; the local constabulary typically frowns upon the littering of public areas with broken glass and bodily fluids purely for personal amusement. I used the old "I - looked - away - from - the - road - for - only - a - second - in - order - to - save - thousands - of - dollars - of - camera - equipment - from - sure - and - complete - destruction - by - falling - from - the - passenger - seat - 18 - inches - on - to - empty - Dr. - Pepper - cans" story as the reason behind my crash. Come up with something original for yourself.

Obviously safety is a concern. I acquired a bruise covering my entire epidermis, with the exception of my left forearm, along with several lacerations; I incurred no structural damage to my body. Although I took no specific precautions to avoid injury, I would advise you to definitely do so. My experience is nothing short of an act of God combined with pure talent. Jordan jumps, Bryan bounces. What else can I say? When you've got it, you've got it.

One key safety issue is the seat belt/no seat belt decision. Seat belts are reported to be the safer route, however bouncing around in your car's cabin allows the audience to see you from many different angles, while providing you with a kaleidoscopic view of the event. I've only tried it one way, so it's your call.

Once your planning is complete, you're ready to roll.

Wait for the oncoming traffic to come close enough to see their amazed expressions, yet still remaining a safe distance from your vehicle. Approach your roll zone at approximately 25-30 mph, allowing your wheels to veer slightly off on to the dirt shoulder, then turn back towards the road so that your back end slides a little. When the outside, front wheel grabs the pavement, your car will do the rest.

Feel free to explore your own sense of style on the way down; slide out of the car on the way down, or wait until it stops. In any case, be prepared to direct the post-roll excitement.

There will undoubtedly be a few well meaning people volunteering to give you first aid or notify your loved ones -- thus inadvertently dampening the crowd's natural excitement. However, if you shake off any lingering pain and take a closer look about, you'll also find those "straight men" standing around who are willing to play Gracie to your George Burns. These are the people who keep things exciting.

In my case, the employee of an ex-client recognized me after I finally got to my feet and asked "Bryan, what are you doing?" To which I responded, "well, I figured I'd just roll my car down this hill over here." Luckily there were others on the scene who were able to quickly demonstrate the way in which I had rolled down the hill, including some rather convincing sound effects, because this woman was obviously afflicted with perception deficit syndrome. These "assistant directors" allowed me to focus my attention back towards the camera men while picking tree fragments from my naval.

Depending on the average "awareness" level in the population surrounding your chosen roll site, you may find it helpful to prepare some easy-to-follow visual aids. A simple review of such physics principals as gravity and inertia will guide those with perception difficulties past the beginning phase of the program to the more interesting discussion of the contents of the car.

This concludes my tips for the planning and execution of the auto roll; more tips may follow regarding the several post-roll phases.

(Yes I did total my car. No I'm not permanently injured. Yes I will accept your donation; please make the check out to Bryan K. Brown.)

bryan@smug.com

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