January
2000 ac/dc by Todd Levin |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Remembering
The Has-Been Millennium
As we usher in the new millennium in with appropriate revelry, crouched
low inside our makeshift living room bunkers with a loaded shotgun fixed
on teenagers and other potentially dangerous neighborhood malcontents
who might loot our precious hidden stores of smoked fish, this is a
great time to take one final look over our shoulders at the past. Don't
literally look over your shoulder, as a single moment of distraction
could mean sudden death; look metaphorically. The last thousand years
have been unforgettable, from Black Death to a cure for Polio. Two world
wars fought and one shark jumped by Fonzie (on water skis, no less!),
all in the same century. It's mind-boggling.
While history may provide
lessons for the next thousand years, there is an equally rich alternate
series of events folded inside every important milestone from the last
millennium. What about the "almosts" that never made it into our history
books, the hidden parallel history that could have drastically reshaped
our rich, Western lives? What if, say, the Axis powers were victorious
in World War II (as they conceivably could have been) or if Fonzie had
not successfully jumped that shark? What then? It is said that to know
the past is to know the present. Or the future. Or one's self, I think.
But to know the past that could have been, is to conceive of the present
that we can never have. Or something. Just read this.
1000-1200 - All of
Europe farms enthusiastically, while all of Asia fishes. Nothing of
great significance occurrs. 1242 - English scientist
Roger Bacon records the formula for gunpowder. While Bacon originally
intended to keep the formula a secret, fearing ominous consequences,
the formula was circulated and, by the middle of the 14th century, had
been harnessed for military purposes. 1347-1351 - The "Black
Death" bubonic plague which originated in India more than a decade earlier,
kills an estimated 75 million people. 1455 - Johann Gutenburg's
movable-type press makes printing and mass communication easy and practical.
By the end of the century, over 35,000 books with approximately 10 million
copies have been printed in various printing offices throughout Europe.
1547 - French astrologer
Nostradamus makes his first prediction. 1687 - Isaac Newton
publishes "Philosophiae naturalis principia mathematica," explaining
the basic laws of the universe. It is perhaps the most significant work
in the history of modern science. 1814 - Francis
Scott Key pens "Star-Spangled Banner" 1828 - Noah Webster
publishes ''American Dictionary of the English Language.'' n. a braten possessing or embodying the quality of sour. e.g. "Sauerbräten!! Sauerbräten!! Here, Sauerbräten! Who's a good Sauerbräten?" 1866 - Ku Klux Klan
founded in Pulaski, Tenn. 1885 - Statue of
liberty shipped to America, including Emma Lazarus's unforgettable inscription:
"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe
free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless,
tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door." 1888 - First recitation of "Casey at Bat", followed by first spontaneous public beating of an entertainer. 1903 - Marie Curie
is first woman to win Nobel Prize (with husband Pierre and scientist
Henri Becquerel) for her experiments with radioactivity. 1907 - Boy Scout movement founded, as millions of pederasts rejoice. 1921 - James Joyce's
manuscript for ''Ulysses,'' is declared obscene by a U.S. court. 1924 - Little Orphan Annie comic strip appears, as millions of pederasts rejoice once again. 1939 - Hitler invades
Poland, marking the beginning of a second World War. 1944 - More than
165 killed and 175 injured in Ringling Bros., Barnum & Bailey Circus
fire in Hartford, Conn. 1970 - Beatles disband.
1994 - Lorena Bobbitt
is placed on trial for allegedly cutting off the penis of her husband,
John Wayne Bobbitt, with a kitchen knife. 1999 - Britney Spears, 'N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and Christine Aguilera all have top-selling albums. The President of the United States of Poontang declares the past thousand years "The Pedarast Millennium".
We prefer not to think about the ugly or confusing consequences of
alternate paths in human history, but it is not the journalist's job
to be "pretty" or "idealistic" or "anti-fascist" or "kind to the elderly".
It is the journalist's job to report. And to fake receipts for reimbursables.
And sometimes to pander to publicists or celebrities in return for a
false sense of earned status among the celebrated elite. As you prepare
to look forward again (slowly), you should experience a sense of how
very different the world might be if you climb the weaker branch on
your decision tree. So, deep within your home military fortress, with
your crosshairs set to a kill zone on that shady looking toddler in
his stroller, before you squeeze (and please remember to inhale deeply
and then squeeze, don't pull) that trigger, consider this: if you let
that urchin live to see another day, he or she may grow up to be President.
Or possibly even the Fonz.
What do you imagine would be a fitting slogan for the next 1,000 years?
back to the junk drawer
|
|
·feature·
·net worth·
·ac/dc·
·smoking jacket·
·ear candy·
·feed hollywood·
·target audience·
·three dollar bill·
·compulsion·
·posedown·
·the biswick files·
·mystery date·
·and such and such·
·blab·
·kissing booth·
·contents·
·freakshow·
·fan club·
·junk drawer·
copyright © 1996, 1997 fearless media