October 1999 the biswick files by Sherman T. Biswick |
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Dear Mr. Biswick,
Dear Suzy,
Besides, with all the newfangled diseases you young people have, I can't
honestly say I want to go out on a date. When I was over in Europe, a
couple of the boys got the clap from a whore in Ypres, and they said it hurt
like the dickens. I decided right then and there, in the trenches, that I
wasn't ever going to get the clap, or syphilis, or pinkeye, or any of those
other sex diseases you young people like so much. I'll keep my trousers
on, thank you very kindly. That was true then, and it's certainly true now,
especially with all the MTV going on.
What is the best brand of toothpaste?
Jill, it's time for a little lesson in what I call "the old personal oral
hygiene story." You kids today insist on using that disgusting, gooey
tooth-paste to clean your teeth, and for the life of me, I can't figure out
why. When I was a lad, we used tooth-POWDER to keep our pearlies shining.
We'd scoop a little powder onto the bristles and moisten it with some water
from our well. Then we'd start scrubbing away at our mouths with the gritty
muck for about ten minutes or so. Usually, my gums would start to bleed
after about thirty seconds, but my daddy was there with his belt to be sure
I kept right on brushing. If we let up for even a moment, he'd remind us of
the importance of oral hygiene.
Nowadays, all this talk about pastes, and gels, and paste-gel combinations,
what with the stripes and the polka-dots and whatnot, you'd think there was
a circus going on there in the bathroom. I don't know what it is they put
in those tubes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to rub that goop on my
dadblamed teeth! No sir, I'll stick with my trusty tooth-powder. Of
course, the Lord saw fit to call my own teeth back to His kingdom some years
ago, so now I use dentures for all my chewing needs. And when they need
cleaning, I just pull 'em out and soak 'em in a glass of water overnight.
But I make damned sure that water is clean first. Otherwise I'd have little
germ-bugs swimming around in my teeth. I heard about those germ things.
They're bad news. I say: stay away from germs, and they'll stay away from
you.
Buzzards?
Yes, buzzards. Disease ridden, germ carrying buzzards. Rats of the desert
sky, I call them. Keep those bastards away from me, that's what I say.
Just thinking about them makes me feel like washing my hands and face. You
can never be too clean. Especially when there's buzzards around--to them,
the smell of dirt, disease and death is like the sweetest perfume, and they
love to slather it on. The bastards.
Sincerely,
in the junk drawer:
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