October 1999
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

*

Dear Mr. Biswick,
Do you date often?
--Suzy

Dear Suzy,
As you may already know, I am a widower. My late wife, God rest her soul, was all the woman I could've wanted or needed. She's been with her Savior for going on twenty-nine years now, and in that time I have been with no other woman. I do not need to "date," as you so casually put it. My late wife (God rest her soul) would not approve of me heading out to the disco for a quick romp in the hay with some tarted up young hussy, even if it meant having no physical release for twenty-nine years, and even if I am just a man, with the same pent-up desires and the same needs and wants as any other man.

Besides, with all the newfangled diseases you young people have, I can't honestly say I want to go out on a date. When I was over in Europe, a couple of the boys got the clap from a whore in Ypres, and they said it hurt like the dickens. I decided right then and there, in the trenches, that I wasn't ever going to get the clap, or syphilis, or pinkeye, or any of those other sex diseases you young people like so much. I'll keep my trousers on, thank you very kindly. That was true then, and it's certainly true now, especially with all the MTV going on.

What is the best brand of toothpaste?
--Jill

Jill, it's time for a little lesson in what I call "the old personal oral hygiene story." You kids today insist on using that disgusting, gooey tooth-paste to clean your teeth, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. When I was a lad, we used tooth-POWDER to keep our pearlies shining. We'd scoop a little powder onto the bristles and moisten it with some water from our well. Then we'd start scrubbing away at our mouths with the gritty muck for about ten minutes or so. Usually, my gums would start to bleed after about thirty seconds, but my daddy was there with his belt to be sure I kept right on brushing. If we let up for even a moment, he'd remind us of the importance of oral hygiene.

Nowadays, all this talk about pastes, and gels, and paste-gel combinations, what with the stripes and the polka-dots and whatnot, you'd think there was a circus going on there in the bathroom. I don't know what it is they put in those tubes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to rub that goop on my dadblamed teeth! No sir, I'll stick with my trusty tooth-powder. Of course, the Lord saw fit to call my own teeth back to His kingdom some years ago, so now I use dentures for all my chewing needs. And when they need cleaning, I just pull 'em out and soak 'em in a glass of water overnight. But I make damned sure that water is clean first. Otherwise I'd have little germ-bugs swimming around in my teeth. I heard about those germ things. They're bad news. I say: stay away from germs, and they'll stay away from you.

Buzzards?
--Carl

Yes, buzzards. Disease ridden, germ carrying buzzards. Rats of the desert sky, I call them. Keep those bastards away from me, that's what I say. Just thinking about them makes me feel like washing my hands and face. You can never be too clean. Especially when there's buzzards around--to them, the smell of dirt, disease and death is like the sweetest perfume, and they love to slather it on. The bastards.

Sincerely,
Sherman T. Biswick, Veteran.

*

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