Dear Mr. Biswick, I just ran into an ex-boyfriend in the street. He seemed happy to see me, despite having broken my heart, which took me a year and a half to get over. Anyway, he said he'd e-mail me and we'd do the coffee thing. Somehow I doubt he'll e-mail me.

So: is he evil for telling me this "white lie"?

And on the slim chance he does write back, should I meet him for coffee?
---CP Dear CP,
My nephew Leon is a doctor. He tells me that because of my 'advanced age' I should stay away from coffee. When I asked him why, he told me to look in the medical reference books in the local library. So I did, and those books say that coffee has something in it called "caffeine." And you can be poisoned by it. This is what it says: "acute caffeine poisoning gives early symptoms of anorexia, tremor, and restlessness. Followed by nausea, vomiting, tachycardia, and confusion. Serious intoxication may cause delirium, seizures, supraventricular and ventricular tachyarrhythmias, hypokalemia, and hyperglycemia." Sounds like pretty bad stuff! So I listen to my nephew Leon, even if he wears earrings like a woman, and I stay away from coffee. And you should too. If that ex-boyfriend of yours calls you on the e-mail, it probably means he wants to poison you. That happens more often than you'd think. So I say: stay away.

What is the best way to attract members of the female persuasion? ---Josh

Dear Josh
They love frosting.

How many cars need a person have to be considered a pathological enthusiast? Is eight enough?
---Timothy

As that delightful little Adam Rich proves, eight certainly IS enough. I would like to remind you of the words to tiny Adam's favorite song:

"We spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes
If we're ever puzzled by the changing times
There's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen windowsill
And eight is enough to fill our lives with love."

Sometimes I get a little choked up when I hear that song. Bless you, Timothy, for bringing me that plate of homemade wishes, and filling my life with love. And if one of those eight cars is a Bonneville, you maybe just found yourself a buyer.

I have an acquaintance who is becoming a bother. What would be the most painful way to eliminate him/her?
---Todd

You have an acquaintance whose gender you're not sure of? I tell you what, you kids today think you're so special and different, but all you really are is a bunch of freaks. A bunch of beer swilling, hermaphroditic freaks. When I was a lad, we knew who was who, and there was no question. If someone had "tendencies," we shipped them off to Hawai'i, which back then was no tropical paradise, but a forgotten, primitive land of volcanoes and savages who would sooner tear your head from your neck than tell you what time of day it was. When I was in the service, we had to dock for a night in the harbor there, and I'll tell you, not a one of us left the ship, even though we'd been aboard for three weeks straight. None of us wanted to find out what all that godawful wailing and moaning was all about, and when we set sail the next morning, there were more than a few who heaved a sigh of relief. My daughter wanted to take me to Hawai'i once for a vacation, but I told her the same thing I'm going to tell you: there's no way I'm setting foot on that godforsaken island of hellfire and doom. Not now, not ever.

Sincerely,
Sherman T. Biswick, Veteran.

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: