There Are No Losers... Except for Me

I'm a voracious consumer of entertainment. I mean, if there's a TV Movie on that features some actress that played Whitey's mom on Leave it to Beaver once, that's reason enough for me to watch it. NBC told me to watch Asteroid, and I was glued to my TV as if a real rock was heading right for my house... which insurance doesn't cover. I checked. What could I do? I, like you, must do what NBC says.

But I swear every time the Oscar nominations come out, I feel like a rube who's eager to talk about that great new movie, The Poseidon Adventure. What the hell are these movies? Who went to see them? If they're the best ones of the year, where was I? Okay, I was probably at the opening matinee of Dunston Checks In... but monkeys are FUNNY dammit!

For instance, apart from Jerry Maguire (which had a cute kid and a catch phrase...what else could we want?), the best picture nominees are Shine, Fargo, The English Patient, and Secrets and Lies. Now I know about Fargo. That's that "Oh... that's the one made by those guys who did that Raising Arizona movie" movie. But that doesn't mean I saw it. It came in and out of my theater at nearly the same speed as Brain Candy.

Shine has a lot going for it in that it has a one-word title. Those always do well. Whoever came up with the title The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Came Down a Mountain, is still a writer... he's stenciling names on parking places at the studio. The English Patient got nominations in 3 more of the top 5 categories. Clearly, this is the greatest movie ever made. What's it about? It couldn't be like Forget Paris, cause that had French people in it. Maybe the sequel will be The French Doctor. Jerry Lewis would be wacky in that.

Sling Blade??? Billy Bob?? Clearly this is a movie where you have to lie to people like "Sure, I've seen it! It was a phenomenal film and Billy Bob was brilliant in it! I knew about this movie before it's own distributor did!" Yeah, right. No... I wouldn't be able to pull that lie off. I've got to stand forth proudly and proclaim for all to hear, that I went to the movies that a lot of people like me made box office hits. I might not have any class, but I do know one thing. If I ever invite any of the members of the "academy" over to my house for pizza and a movie, I'm NOT letting them pick the video.

By the way... I have just released a film masterpiece. Expertly written and featuring a talented cast of unknowns that elevate the craft of acting to extraordinary new levels, this film is being hailed in small circles as the ultimate epic to be cherished for generations. Now...try to find it.

mike@smug.com

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