April 1999 feature by Alexis Massie |
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Death of a Meal
No one eats dinner anymore. If you're lucky, you'll find a few people who
will eat lunch, but they want it delivered to the office so they can eat
it at their desk. Everyone's in a rush, or tired, or crabby. More often
than not, late night meals are comprised of macaroni and cheese, rice, or
a peanut butter sandwich, slopped on a plate and eaten on a couch or in
bed while Vanna White wiggles and turns letters in the background.
I'm not lamenting the death of good old-fashioned American family values,
or suggesting that this is somehow a woman's fault, but I do have to admit
that I miss dinner. I miss having a dinner table. I miss the
days when even apartments had dining rooms. On those rare occassions when
I do feel like cooking a meal, my housemate and I inevitably wind up
fashioning a pseudo-dining room in the living room, constructed of a table
bought at IKEA, the couch, and an ottoman. Contrast that with the
meals I grew up with - linen tablecloths, matching plates, chairs that
reached the table, serving platters - it's just not the same.
Let's face it, dinner takes work. You have to make the meal. Three dishes
means three dirty pots and pans but my mother always told me that a proper
dinner should have at least three colors or else we'd all die of
malnutrition. Then the serving dishes, one for each dish. Then the setting
itself, comprised of plate, utensils and stemware, all of which get dirty,
all of which will have to be cleaned. No one ever wants to clean. Then
there's the linens. Napkins, tablecloths, doilies, all have to be
washed. Really, what we're talking about is three to four hours of preparation
and reparation for a 20-minute food fest that no one will properly
appreciate.
It's no wonder that no one eats dinner anymore. But I have
discovered the solution to my problems, to all of my domestic problems.
Cardboard furniture. Through the
glory of modern furniture engineering, I can go to my closet, select a
dining room table and simply unfold it in the living room. I can choose a
chair or, if I want to be really stylish, I could opt for a stool made out
of an inverted box, ergonomically pre-dented. Like the futon, but more so,
cardboard furniture makes populating (and unpopulating) your home or
apartment a breeze. And, if you ever get tired of your furniture, have it
recycled! Its parts will simply wind up in your replacement furniture
piece anyway.
The potential for this product is endless. You could dissemble and pack
your entire house in the trunk of a VW Bug in less than six hours. No more
expensive moving vans. No more unseemly dents in the walls after
navigating an especially tricky corner. Why place books and knick-knacks
in boxes? Just wrap the fragile items in newspaper and leave them in the
furniture!
I want dinner and I want it on a sturdy cardboard table with cardboard
chairs. My cardboard dinner table will be painted blue, because I always liked
that color, but the chairs will be red, green, yellow and white so as to
appear eclectic, yet chic. I want cardboard platters to serve and
cardboard "bone china"-colored plates and cardboard "silver dreamscape"
utensils. At the end of the meal, I want to toss my cardboard dirties
(including my cardboard cooking apron) into a recycling bin that services
the cardboard industry. I want to fold up my cardboard table and store it
in my junk drawer. And then I want to be done.
Done, so I can put on my insta-disposable cardbo-silk nighty and watch my
television, resting on my cardboard entertainment center, from my
cardboard futon. I'll switch from channel to channel using my cardboard
remote control. When it stops working, I'll recycle it and grab another.
My collection of outdated New York Times alone could furnish an entire
block for months. The crap I find sent with my bills each month should
give me at least two eight-piece settings. Got an old phone book? Get a
new phone and lacquer it the color that you never dreamed a phone could
be! It's the next big thing, I tell you, and I for one plan to put in my
order now.
Cardboard furniture, the upcoming emblem of the new generation :
Earth-friendly, adaptable, easily stained and just as easily
replaced. Get some today!
in the junk drawer
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