Dear Biswick,
I always hear that something is the greatest thing since sliced bread. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Also, I think power tools are greater than sliced bread. - Gus

Dear Gus,
Power tools, as my dearly departed Mrs. Biswick would have told you, are indeed the way to even the most confirmed of bachelor's hearts. Except that Harvey Firestein fellow, who I saw once in a movie wearing slippers with rabbit heads on them and what I'm certain was a woman's bathrobe. Gents like that aren't really considered bachelors though, they're more fellows, as was explained to me by my nephew Brewster Biswick, who also had a penchant for musical theater. At first I had a difficult time accepting that his "lifetime companion" was this lad named Enrique, until the annual Independence Day Biswick family reunion and they made these sandwiches with cheese and ham that were deep fried and had a french name that reminded me of a candy bar, like "Three Musketeers" or some such and let me tell you, that was one of the best sandwiches I had ever eaten. I say anyone who can make a sandwich like that can gad about with whomever he likes.

I'm afraid of going outside when it snows. I'm also afraid of my apartment. Help?
- Guildenstern

Dear Guildenstern
I was reading my Blockbuster video store's recommended features, and there was a film that pretty much said you and your pal Rosencrantz had passed on to meet your maker, so it may be too late to give you this small tidbit of advice. Fill your pockets with sand. Every year since I moved to this retirement community, I've lost at least four pounds and more or less have become more afraid of a good strong wind than the actual fear of freezing off parts of my body. Also - if you get stranded somewhere and end up freezing in a snowdrift, you can throw the sand in front of your eyes and just pretend you're falling asleep on the beach. Normally I try to keep things like this to myself in the name of discretion, but as I said, I'm not sure that you and your pal will really be facing any snowfall this winter. Rest In Peace,
Sherman T.

My privates itch. What should i do ?
-Moonchin

Dear Moonchin,
I'd say make a plea to your C.O. to get some ointment for them. There's nothing less effective than a platoon of itchy privates. When I was in the service, one my entire company ate some bad tuna fish and we all broke out in a painfully embarrassing case of hives, and wouldn't you know it right before we were to be issued out two day passes. However, our Sergeant, a proud Texan and a wily cuss, showed some pity on us poor privates and advanced us a portion of our weekly pay for some Benadryl cream and some gentleman's magazines. Teamwork is the key for a military man, and if your privates are itching, you need to do what the responsible thing is.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: