Not for Eating Crackers

We've all heard the phrase "I wouldn't kick him/her out of bed for eating crackers." Really though, we find it to be too nonspecific.So, in an effort to further assist you with your dating and romantic travails, we've compiled a list of things we would indeed, kick anyone out of bed for. These grievous errors will likely get you out of the blankets and onto the floorboards no matter how cute you are, or even if you can do - you know, that thing with your tongue.

1. Screaming the phrase "Oh yeah, do it to me like Mommy/Daddy" Especially if you invoke both your parents. We're all for adventure, but some things are just too freaky.

2. Asking us to wear your ex girlfriends underwear because "you know, it reminds me of her". We have some, if not much self respect.

3. "Honey you know what would be a good idea? You wear the hockey mask and I'll wear the Catholic school skirt, and then we invite the neighbors over to videotape it."

4. Failure to bathe for more than two days. We appreciate that you like that extra manly feeling that stewing in your own juices brings, but we also think there's a fine line between getting in touch with your masculine side and thinking it's anything we'd be willing to touch.

5. Talk about your job during sex. Or our jobs for that matter. Nothing is less sexy than workday chatter in the heat of passion, if if the heat is only room temperature.

6. "Wear this headband. It makes you look like Hillary."

7. Your idea of a compromising position includes a bunny suit and the soundtrack to the hit tv series "Fame."

8. When you say "put your feet in the stirrups" it's not because you want to play "Doctor".

9. You will kicked out of bed if you're better on the floor.

lemon@smug.com

in the junk drawer: