Dear Biswick,
If you open a can of Whuppass on someone, but you don't use the whole can, can you re-seal it and put it in the fridge for later?
Rick

Dear Rick,
If you are only using a half can of Whupass, then you are clearly picking on the wrong people. Why settle for defeating your enemies when complete annihilation is at your fingertips? Kind of like when you chop down a tree. You don't just cut off the aprts you can see, but drill holes in the stump and pour gasoline in it to make sure the roots are gone. Just remember not to sit down and smoke when you're done or like my poor next door neighbor at the retirement community, Eldrige Finster, you will not have an ass to whup.

On the rocks or straight-up?
- Marfan

Dear Marfan
When I drink my weekly root beer, I like to start by taking out my big World's Fair glass I got in New York City in 1968. It has a picture of that big metal thing that looks like a globe that my neice Felicity Biswick tells me shows up in all the rock videos on the MTV. She says that glass makes me cool, but I have to explain to her that it'sthe fine folks who manufactured my Fedders air conditioner that keep me cool on hot days combined with my Sansabelt ventilated slacks. Now, when dear departed Mrs. Biswick first bought me Sansabelt slacks, I was suspicious, as they had no belt loops, a sure sign that they were not to be trusted to stay in place should I have to skeedadle somewhere quickly, and made me feel as if I may indeed leave my pants behind. However, she would not let me wear my suspenders with them, even after I offered to sew the buttons on the slacks myself. Eventually I came to love Sansabelt slacks because they don't ride up when you're driving around in a golf cart or sitting out on the patio for long periods of time playing checkers with one of the Pernice brothers, who all cheat when you're not looking.

I worked on my web page all day and it still doesn't look good What should I do?
-Grindel

Dear Grindel,
I never understood the point of having a web page. People like to tell stories on their web pages. Me? I'd rather hear somebody tell me a story rather than read about it on the internet. Unless that Charles Kuralt was telling them. He was a master at the storytelling. I got to meet him once when he came through town to interview the people who had the chicken who danced to Elvis songs. He was nice enough. Though, I never did understand why he kept driving that Winnebago around. It would've been cheaper for him to drive a car and rent a hotel room at night. I mentioned that to him and asked him about gas mileage. He told me he got 8 miles to the gallon which was not much even in those days. Now, with gas being so expensive I imagine that his boss wouldn't let him drive around like that.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: