September 1998
s m u g
ear candy
by Leslie Harpold

How to Behave

Top Ten Things to Remember at Live Shows

I've recently attended a rash of musical performances and while the bands delivered as expected, (some good - some bad) the thing that stood out in my mind was how poorly educated in the art of show etiquette the crowd was. With that I offer the top ten dos and don'ts of attending live shows. Note: "Shows" differ from concerts by way of venue, if you can forseeably grab the artist off the stage if you are so inclined, you're at a show, if you're in a place where the next night's festivity is a basketball game, you're at a concert, and of course, you're on your own.

  1. Do not grab the artist by the ankles when they are on stage just because you can.

  2. If the artist puts down his/her guitar and walks to the edge of the stage, this means congregate in the middle, they are probably going to stage dive. Someone has to catch them, and this is your job. Actually catch the artist or they will never come back again and neither will anyone else.

  3. If someone over 26 yells "Play Free Bird!" they are kidding, it's not polite to yell "shut up you old fuck!". When Superchunk actually plays Free Bird, it is polite to actually laugh. Trust me, it's hilarious.

  4. If you are packed body to body with people, it is impolite to scream all the lyrics out into the ear of the person in front of you. They did not pay to hear your dramatic interpretation, but the band's.

  5. Jumping around like a mad man is fine, if that's what you're into, but be prepared to be ridiculed and shoved. Practice jumping up and done in a finite space at home first. Draw a circle the size of a basketball on your floor and when you can do it within the lines never bouncing out, it's okay to do it at shows. Please confine this herky jerk to the periphery of the crowd. You are the only one who thinks it looks cool.

  6. Boys: You may not take your penis out no matter how tightly pressed up against other humans you are. No one will thank you, and someone may try to remove it.

  7. If the person directly in front of you puts their hands on their hips and takes a step back with their right foot, it means "you are too close, please back up." The next thing they'll do is punch you, so get while the getting is good. Being an extra six inches closer will not make you a better Archers of Loaf fan or whatever, so just learn to deal with it.

  8. Drinking anything but beer is unacceptable. When you go to the show you sign up for coming home covered in beer and smoke, but anything with color like wine or cranberry juice is unacceptable and automatically marks you as a pussy. Drinking water or ginger ale is an acceptable alternative.

  9. Buying the band a beer is stupid, they get free beer anyway. Make them buy you one.

  10. No cell phones, pagers, or palm pilots please, even if it's Robert Pollard or Ween, or other look I'm on the internet and I go to concerts kind of band. No one gives a shit how wired you are. No one gives a shit about you, frankly, and checking your email between sets is just gauche and doesn't convey any message other than "when this show is over I can't wait to tell my friends about it on IRC!" You will never get laid if you keep up like that.

We tell you because we love you. Now, we know most Smug readers are well beyond needing this etiquette lesson, but please feel free to point all your poorly behaved friends here so they can share the love.

*


leslie@smug.com

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