July 1998 smoking jacket by Jack Smith |
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A Man's Guide to Jewelry
I've always dreaded the day when I'd see a man wearing no shirt and a waist
bracelet. Yet, I know this day is coming. Combined with the stresses of
home and work and the disappearance of Jim Varney from the big screen,
modern man lacks direction when it comes to accessorizing. Specifically,
none of us has a guide for the type and amount of jewelry we should or
shouldn't be wearing. Anarchy is prevailing with men in all walks of life
wearing things like toe rings, turquoise and 'Mechanics do it with greasy
hands' belt buckles. Enough is enough. It's time for someone to step
forward and draw the line in the sand. Since Mr. Blackwell lacks the guts
to take on such a complex and far reaching issue, I'm ready to step up and
become the arbiter of good jewelry taste, lest I ever see a Teamster wearing
a studded dog collar.
The general rule when it comes to all accessories especially jewelry is
this -- the simpler in color and style the clothes, the more you can
accessorize. It's a bit tricky and this is the place where most men
falter. A simple blue Brooks Brothers suit can be dressed up with a
tattoo, a skull ring and a Mighty Mouse watch. But change the suit colour
to baby shit yellow and a simple, lone timepiece necklace ala Flavor Flav
is all you need for that 'Out on Wall Street and knows what time it is'
look.
I like to say that if you're in doubt use Jack's Jewelry Yardstick: always
stay somewhere between Chairman Mao and the T's, Ice and Mr. For most men,
that's not enough, unfortunately. So, I've taken the extra step to
categorize different types of accoutrements with a general usage outline
and a few specific do's and don'ts.
EARRINGS: What began as a way for the fashionable swashbuckler to softly
say, 'Stand aside and prepare to be boarded,' has become the preferred
method for junior high school kids to say, "I'm from the suburbs and just
like all my friends I've been to the Piercing Kiosk at the mall." I've
seen more improper uses of earrings than any of other piece of jewelry and
further earrings have prepared the world for the piercing of all sorts of
body parts that were never meant to be pierced. (John Thomases and
tallywackers to be specific.) Still for a small segment of the male
population earrings and other piercings work surprisingly well as a way to
pick up women. It's not quite as popular as "I've been to jail" but it's
moving up in the standings.
Do wear hoops under one inch in diameter and plumbing accessories.
Don't wear dangling dream catchers with feathers unless you live on a
reservation or play bass for a southern rock band.
RINGS: My grandfather wore a diamond cluster pinky ring that he bought
from a guy named Kingfish, a 6'3' ex-Marine who always chewed on a
half-smoked cheap cigar. While normally identified with certain ethnic
groups, the pinky ring was introduced to the south by an Italian pro
wrestler called Il Masque du Capo. It caught on quickly among the large
American automobile crowd. (Read old white guys like Kingfish and my
grandfather.) I can't recommend the pinky ring or any type of ring more
highly. Though keeping with my less is more philosophy I prefer an
understated small one with diamonds in the shape of a horseshoe to the
Super Bowl ring.
Do wear wedding bands. Most people don't consider dogs jewelry. But, I only mention dogs
because of Mickey Rourke who for the past several years has been seen at
every public appearance with a herd of snack sized dogs. He's always
wearing these things around. When I first saw him, I thought it was a
performance piece. I quickly figured out that it was just an error in
judgement. Although, it's hard to challenge a guy as prone to violence as
Mr Rourke, it's just silly for a grown man to coo over a bunch of mutts
like a 75 year old granny. I'm going to nip this one in the bud before
other meat heads start wearing dogs.
Don't wear dobermans.
PENDANTS/BUTTONS: Nothing says, 'I love the Lord' more than a 'Jesus in
2000: He's tan, rested, and ready' button. It's a show of faith. It's
also a little insurance if on judgement day the scales are slightly tipping
to hell. St Peter will say, 'I remember you. You're the one with the
button that said how great the Lord is. Open the gates, boys. We've got
one coming through.' If you're happy and you know it, why not tell
everyone'
Do wear political buttons.
NECKLACES: For many years, I was envious of Henry Rollins not only for his
uncanny ability to endlessly walk in circles on stage but also for the
girth of his neck. Many times I've wondered just how fat (and phat) a gold
chain I could sport with if I had a neck like HR. I realized though about
two weeks ago why Hank has resisted the Gold Rush - he simply didn't want to
hide an inch of something that too so many years in the gym (and in the
van) to create. I'm torn. I can argue his point convincingly, but with a
neck as skinny as mine I need to beef it up a bit. When it comes to
necklaces, I say I don't want it. I don't want it. Then I slip it on.
Do wear time pieces. (Especially if you're a pit crew chief or a rapper
with gold teeth.)
BRACELETS: Sammy Hagar set the standard for 80's wristwear. He combined
the quantity normally associated with Cure fans with gaskets, old charm
bracelets, dog chains, and his signature touch, the red handkerchief. At
least that's how I'll always remember him. He was the first person to
vogue on the junkyard tip and made bracelets safe for 35 year old Album
Rock fans and mopey, ironic scenesters alike. In the late 90's Robert
Smith started tying his sneakers and the pendulum has gone the other way
with a lone, black spiked bracelet the accessory de rigeur. (For an extra
special Christmas gift, buy a spiked leather bracelet and wrap it in a
robin's egg blue Tiffany box. Won't your mom be surprised when she opens
that?)
Don't wear tennis bracelets. They don't help your game.
I hope these rough guidelines will get you started on the proper amount and
type of jewelry. Just remember to think before you do any accessorizing.
When you do decide to take the plunge and dole out your hard earned cash,
feel free to experiment to find out what works best for you and your
personal style. Just remember to always purchase things that will remain
stylish for a lifetime. That's why tattoos are a good accessory
investment. As Coco Chanel once said, "If that Planet of the Apes
backpiece looks good when you're 24, think how cool it'll be when you're 75
and the monkeys have filled in with real hair."
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