How do you feel about exercise?
- Steve

Dear Steve,
My Uncle Morton had no neck. His head rested squarely on his shoulders. He was a blue collar man his entire life. Lifting, separating, and supporting were his major job functions. So with all that exercise, Morty got quite beefy much like that Kraut weightlifting fellow. That wasn't the cause of his neck problem, though. As a child Morty fell down a well. During a 42 hour rescue attempt, a large block was dropped on his head. When he was pulled from the well, his neck was gone. Now, I have bad posture. I can sympathize with Morty. It's getting harder to see when I have to drive to visit my grandchildren. I'm afraid that very soon I won't be able to see over the steering wheel. I never really liked to drive and often I take the bus. The weather down here is beautiful this time of year and waiting at the bus stop gives me pause to socialize. I don't like the fumes though. I tell you, Steve, stop worrying about exercising. Find a cure for those bus fumes and you'll make us all very happy. I suspect you'll also live a long fruitful life.

When is a man not a man?
- Heather Oelke

When he is at the dentist.

My girlfriend wants a church wedding but I want to get married in Las Vegas. What should we do?
- Ben McDonald

Dear Ben,
The one thing that marriage and Las Vegas have in common is the buffet. I like to eat at the buffet. I get discouraged when the other folks from the community bring the pokes and the plastic bags to take home the extra food. What about the other people who want to eat the bratwurst? They need to eat, too. But if all the bratwurst are gone they can't have any. Take all you can eat but eat all you take. That's been my motto since I turned 65. Once those checks started rolling in I quit my job down at the plant. Except for that one stint when I was in the Amy and the few months during the oil crisis, I worked everyday of my life. I deserved some time off. We didn't have personal days. We didn't need 'em. Any sort personal business you had could be taken care of after your shift was over or perhaps on Saturday. We also didn't have dry cleaners. How can something get clean without ever getting wet? This is just like the Internet. How can something be there and here at the same time? I'll tell you how. It can't. It's either here or there. These AT&T commercials tell me I'll be working in my underpants. "You will," they say. Well this bird will not. If I wanted to work in my underpants, I would've gone to work for Sears and Roebuck and modeled for the Wish Book. Underpants were not made to work in. Underpants were made for relaxing in front of the TV while enjoying a good Lee Marvin movie. Next thing you know AT&T will claim that we'll someday be working in our birthday suits. We'll try that while using a bandsaw. That just won't fly I tell you. That's dangerous talk and bordering on communism. If the Lord Jesus had meant for us to be Communists, we'd have been born with silk pajamas and big beards.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: