March 1998
s m u g
and such and such
by the staff

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Letters Too Short To Send

Sometimes you just don't have enough to say to justify a postage stamp. And sometimes the questions you want to ask are just too - well, you'll see what we mean - here are some letters we'd thought about writing, but thought better of.

Dear Steve Jobs,
How do I find a woman who is insanely great and not merely insane?

Dear Woz,
Has Steve Jobs state of perpetual excitement ever pissed you off?

Dear Andres Serrano, Do you think you would have gotten into all that trouble if you'd done the YooHoo Christ instead of the Piss Christ?

Dear Kate Bush,
Why did it take you so long to release The Red Shoes when it sucked so bad?

Dear Mark Andreesen,
Do you like being a dork with money better than being a dork without money?

Dear Richard Serra,
Have you ever made a really big BBQ pit out of Cor-Ten steel?

Dear Ted Danson,
A rug?

Dear Bob Dole,
Do you masurbate with one had or two? What do you do with the "other" hand? Does Jesus really cry when you do it?

Dear Hanna and Barbera,
Why are there no cartoon mice in Jellystone?

Dear Mark Rothko,
How do you pick your colors

Dear Axel Rose,
Where are you?

Dear Marky Ramone,
Can you count higher than four?

Dear Yoko Ono,
Will you please not release anymore albums?

Dear Uma Thurman,
Hi.

Dear Woody Allen,
Are you as creepy in real life as you seem in the tabloids?

Dear J Mascis,
What did Lou do that pissed you off so bad? I promise not to tell him

Dear Lou Barlow,
What did J do that pissed you off so bad? I promise not to tell him

Dear Elton John, Is Bernie Taupin gay, too?

Dear PJ Harvey, Are you tiny?

Dear Sylvia Plath,
Why the long face?

Dear Adam Duritz
Everyone knows it's a wig now, you can stop.

finish a letter to the staff@smug.com

*

in the junk drawer:

featurecar
net
worth
chair
bumping
uglies
gun
smoking
jacket
barcode
ear
candy
pie
feed
hollywood
lock
target
audience
scissors
three
dollar
bill
dice
compulsionvise
posedowncheese
the
biswick
files
toothbrush
mystery
date
wheelbarrow
and such
and such
hat
blabfan
kissing
booth
martini






     
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