Should I value people or art higher? Which do you value higher?
- Alex

Dear Alex,
I used love that Norman Rockwell painting with the boy pulling up his britches while reading in the doctor's office. But now with the internet child molesting being in the plot of tv shows on the WB, I look at that painting in a whole new light. It's unsettling I tell you. Now when I pull up my trousers after I get my monthly shots, you better believe I'm careful to keep my back to the wall.

I liked it better when nobody got molested unless they wanted to. Now, everybody gets molested except those what want to be. What kind of crazy upside down world are we living in when people can use the internet to pass around child pornography and to purchase German sausages? This puts the local butchers out of business. Morty's Butcher Shop is not a part of the Internet. I keep telling Morty he's got to get with both the times and the program. What's to become of him when the IBMs and the Apples decide to peddle meat? I don't know. But whatever happens, I'm sure Morty will have to retire or open a sign painting business because the Internet can do neither one of those.

Down at the plant, we used to use a sign painter by the name of Ed Hopper. Evidently, later in life Ed made it pretty big in the art making business. He was a top notch sign maker though. We got to be friends even though he was a bit quiet. He took me out to his shed one day to show me his pictures. I didn't much care for them but since he was my friend I had to think of something nice to say. So, I told him that I like that one with the woman standing alone in the room. The lesson I learned that day is that's it's best not to combine the art and the friends. Because oil and friends don't mix.

Dear Biswick:
What do you know about Helter Biswick?
- Mike Lum

Dear Mr. Lum,
I know plenty because he was my cousin. Dave "Helter" Biswick got killed on some god forsaken island defending our country from the foreign menaces of communism, nazism, and cubism. The letter that his mother got from the company commander said that he was the bravest man in the 32nd "Hell Ride" Infantry Division.. He was miles above the ocean when the boys began parachuting in. The bullets were coming down fast on that fateful day. By all accounts they shouldn't have even survived the parachute jump, but they made it to the ground. They dug in and waited for the foreigners to make their charge.

Dave couldn't wait, though. For you see, the Biswicks have but one universal: we hate all foreigners especially the French because they don't floss. Now they can bake good bread but they make wine that's too expensive because of the NAFTA. I say buy American. Everytime you buy French wine, you're taking food out of the mouth of the family of an American winer. Doc Johnson told me that drinking a glass of wine everyday would be good for me. I asked if I could instead drink two Pabst Blue Ribbons and call it even. At that time, I didn?t know that Pabst wasn't still being made in Milwaukee. Had I known that, I would've said Blatz.

I tried collecting tin cans..but everytime I did my mother would throw them away. How can I make her stop throwing them away?
- Alex

Dear Alex,
Your mother is just trying to be clean. All mothers have this gene. So, if you want to continue your collection, I say hide them in the attict or perhaps rent a safe deposit box for them.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

write to biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: