February 1998 ear candy by Matt Sager |
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Grammy Fever
We’ll be right back, after this special moment in douche-chill Grammy History.
Did you know that the Beatles’ "White Album" never won a Grammy? It was
nominated, but lost out to "The Girl from Ipanema". We now return to our
program.
I know, no-one cares. We throw Oscar parties, not Grammy parties. We place
odds on Oscar nominees long before the ceremony - nobody even knows what the
Grammy categories are, let alone who the nominees are. But I’m a music dork
and it’s Grammy time, so here’s my picks. This article should still be up
after the awards, so depending on the outcome feel free to let me know how on
the money I was, orhow stupid. If you, uh, watch the show. Now let the
handicapping begin...
Record of the Year
Who Should Win: Hanson, for the amazing production value. Yes, we all wish
them a painful death, but in a year of depressing old-man rock, these kids
weren’t afraid to be happy and sell LOTS of records.
Who Will Win: Paula Cole; She’s got a decent voice, and let’s face it, that
record is just the kind of sound that aging Grammy voters go for. Plus, she’s
worked with Peter Gabriel. Shoo-in.
Long Shot: Shawn Colvin. When you’re over 40 and wear a suit, this is your
version of indie cred.
Album of the Year
I don’t need to explain this category, do I? OK, then let’s move on to the
nominees:
Babyface - The Day
Who Should Win: Even though Dylan’s album is his best in about 20 years, this
award should go to Radiohead. It is the coolest, creepiest record, with
unbelievable production value to boot. The fact that these media-unfriendly,
ugly young foreigners even got a nomination speaks for the universal appeal of
OK Computer.
Who Will Win: Dylan. Duh. Come on, he’d have a good shot even if the album
sucked. And Time Out of Mind is a classic - old great artists so rarely put
out anything new worth a damn, it’s a real event for listeners of that
generation when they do. Plus it’s fun to hear an acceptance speech from a
guy with ripped vocal cords.
Long Shot: Paul McCartney, you know, the cute one. Even though the committee
ignored him when he was relevant, these days they seem to get off on rewarding
Paul for existing.
And now, another moment in douche-chill Grammy history. When the Grammys
finally acknowledged Heavy Metal for the first time, in the late ‘80s,
Mettallica lost out to Jethro Tull. Who didn’t have a record out at the time.
Presenter Lita Ford apologized that "Jethro isn’t here tonight" and held onto
the award for "him". And now, back to our program.
Best Female Rock Performance
Fiona Apple - Criminal
Who Should Win: Patti Smith. Come on, she’s only like the coolest chick to
ever pick up a guitar. This may not be her best album ever, but she’s still
head and shoulders above the other nominees.
Who Will Win: Fiona Apple. There’s no escaping this angry, hungry girl.
Industry types really buy into her angst-ridden, post-feminist, whatever the
fuck she does.
Long Shot: Patti Smith - if there is a god.
Best Male Rock Performance.
David Bowie - Dead Man Walking Who Should Win: Bob Dylan. His entry is the only song that doesn’t make my
ears bleed.
Who Will Win: Bob Dylan. It’s probably the only album out of all the nominees
that the voters actually listened to. Who the hell was crying out for a John
Fogerty comeback?
Long Shot: Springsteen. Thunder Road is an old favorite, and voters may still
be feeling guilty for passing over the original release for Abba or something
equally scary.
Best Hard Rock Performance
Bush - Swallowed
Foo Fighters - Monkey Wrench
Rage Against The Machine - People of the Sun
Smashing Pumpkins - The End Is The Beginning Is The End
Who Should Win: Who cares? It’s all the same song. You know, the one that
repeats itself all day on bad rock radio.
Who Will Win: Smashing Pumpkins. They’re the most familiar name, and the song
has a fraction of rhythm, whereas the others have none. Besides, something
good should come out of the millions of dollars poured into the making of that
awful Batman movie. May as well reward the soundtrack.
Long Shot: Rage. Angry Ethnic Cred. Besides, all the voters with children
under 18 probably know all their songs by heart.
There’s your Grammy line-up, by something less than popular demand. Ten bucks
says it was twice as exciting as the actual awards will be. For a complete
list of categories and nominees, go to http://www.cbs.com/grammys/. That is,
if you really care about the greatest accordion solo on a klezmer tune. There
are 92 categories, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Jethro Tull
popped up in at least on of them.
in the junk drawer:
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