November 1997 bumping uglies by Todd Levin |
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Porn in the USA - By the People, of the People, For the People
I have been incredibly cranky lately. As much as I hate to bring my personal grief into my work, I know the readers, wise in their ways, would feel collectively cheated were I to carry on, writing with half a heart to deliver the goods to you, while repressing my occasional moodswings and fits of nearly clinical depression (both of which can be cured with Dr. Todd’s Handy Anti-Depressant Home Kit - haircut, shave, hot shower, and ¾" nail through base of the skull to insure a hasty release of those darn little "depression demons").
I am a traditionally happy person. I greet strangers with a smile. I wear fashionable spring colors that complement my eyes and skin tone. I listen to socially acceptable, radio-friendly pop music. I kiss babies and make sure to keep my mouth closed. What reason would I have to harbor malign feelings? What would turn an otherwise collected, personable writer into someone who is not responsible for even his most nefarious actions? (by writing that, I am hoping to be absolved for all future acts of evil which I might commit but haven’t yet planned) What cosmic-ill would cause me to write an unnecessarily heady, lengthy, and generally unfunny intro paragraph to my column? I’ll tell you: too much sub-par amateur pornography.
I like amateur porn just as much as the next person. Actually, in many instances in which I’ve polled the person next to me, I have discovered that I might like amateur porn just a little bit more. Nonetheless, personal tastes aside, there is clearly good amateur porn and bad amateur porn. Some people have a natural flair for the stuff, it seems, and if it helps to improve a couple’s sex lives while I watch their coitus in the disturbingly silent darkness of my New York-style ½ studio apartment, standing (because the apartment is a bit too small to accommodate most horizontal postures), dressed only in an oversized corduroy diaper and gold-filled cornucopia necklace (which I won’t take off for anything!), then so be it. But there are other instances where I have been very badly burned by the promise of a no-holds-barred weekend of low-fidelity amateur porn, only sit through the unbearably awkward and poorly paced sexual oeuvre of, well, a completely amateurish amateur.
So, I would like to offer a set of easy "do’s and don’ts" for the would-be amateur pornography directors out there. This is not gospel, but a guideline, just as Strunk and White’s Elements of Style is really just a guideline for technically good composition and Sanford and Son is merely a guideline for getting into the junk trade business. But I will attest to having completed a great deal of research, unlike Strunk, Sanford, Son, Bubba and Grady. (you’ll notice I have conveniently excluded White, the real genius behind Strunk and White, who was eventually cheated out of his share of the Elements fortune, but went on to recoup his losses with the very popular, House of Style - only to be cheated out of his cash yet again in the second season by the Viacom Company over a technicality in his contract.
White was left penniless, dangling precariously from the participle of sanity and was last seen wearing prison blues after a botched bank robbery which was modeled after the fictional robbery in his moderately successful geriatric heist film, Going in Style.) Sure, I didn’t go to film school but I can say confidently that I have sat through enough consecutive hours of amateur pornography to a) suffer minor, and on two occasions major, superficial skin irritation, and b) know what works and doesn’t work on tape for the home pornographer.
With that in mind, here’s a fairly simple primer for getting started: five quick do’s and don’ts for all aspiring amateur adult filmmakers.
Recently, I was watching an amateur couples’ video, The Magnificently Hung Andersons, and the married couple literally spent 35 minutes mulling over old photo albums and high school yearbooks before getting into it. The sex scenes were brief and uncomfortably sandwiched between exhaustive phone conversations and monologues about lawn fertilizers, the yippie movement, and an irritating, meandering argument 40 minutes into the video about whether Thelma and Louise would have been a better feminist film if we’d seen the two characters actually plummet to their deaths in the final scene.
Granted, one of those scenes was a very funny feline reaction shot that provided some much-needed comic relief. But why did I have to sit through 12 solid minutes of their jack terrier sitting up on a stool and shaking hands with neighbors in exchange for puppy treats. Contrary to what certain unfortunate felonious blemishes on my otherwise squeaky-clean public record may indicate, house pets have absolutely no place in your intimate couplings. I learned my lesson with 200 hours of community service; you’re getting off easy.
Yes, these are merely loose technical guidelines. Obviously, I have not written the book on shooting amateur porn (but I am under contract to do so. Look for "Just Like Mom Made, but Without the Lumps: A Veteran’s Guidebook to Beginner Amateur Pornographers," coming next Christmas from University Press). Most importantly, please just try to remember this: you are the artist, but as such you have certain responsibilities to your audience. Even if your audience is a small subgroup of creepy, venereal, social reprobates who are willing to pay good American cash to watch an average-looking couple going at it on a trundle bed in the spare room of their split-level ranch home.
in the junk drawer:
October 1997
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