Top 10 Worst Things About Being a Cultural Theorist

10. Living in society of the spectacle makes you want to jump out your Paris apartment window.

9. Too much Karl, not enough Groucho.

8. Chicks only interested in "simulacra."

7. Police Academy more interesting than Frankfurt School.

6. Black turtlenecks show dandruff easily.

5. Too much CV, not enough MTV.

4. Tyson vs. Genet Pay Per View prison bout ends in first round.

3. Glock 9mm always beats "fancy book learnin."

2. No caps in bell hooks.

1. Too much talk, not enough rock.

Shhh...

Can't stop looking at Metaverse's Advent Calendar. Sure, it requires shockwave, and sucks a good five minutes out of the day, but it's so darn festive. Won't make the cookies though, we're that strong.

But the Germans love him...

A Manhattan frat party bar, "Hogs and Heifers," enforced it's strict no-tie policy on the beloved Baywatch Star and European singing sensation David Hasselhoff the other night. He reportedly refused to remove his tie, and was denied entry - after trying to play the "I'm a big star" card. Stormed off all huffy too, as we hear tell.

"Heifers" is known locally as a meat market in the meat packing district, with lots of fresh coeds ripe for the picking, or - more aptly - drunk for the picking. The kind of place where anyone over 25 runs the risk of being addressed as "sir." Like David doesn't already have his pick over the bikini clad booty, SMUG wonders how this joint got on his to do list in the first place.

Modern Love

From an A/P wire - David Bowie is set to float himself on the stock exchange. The legendary British rocker has been considering the possibility of packing his future royalties into an asset-backed bond issue to be sold within the next few months. This means that instead of waiting for royalties from record sales, Bowie would receive cash up front from institutional investors willing to pay a total of $50 million for a piece of Ziggy Stardust. Once that sum, along with interest, is earned back for the investors, future royalties would go directly to Bowie. Bowie's businessman manager William Zysbiat is so confident there are several sources of royalties - such as copyright and publishing revenues - to support the $50 million, he began paying fees for a deal months ago. I didn't like his last record that much.

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